Books I loved reading.

Sunday, 24 May 2015

Duuuuuuuh; I'm such a dork.

Like many other self published authors I've been trying (mainly without success) to spread the word about my books. I've heard all the ideas and tried a lot but today I was walking through the village where I live and crossed a small bridge upon which all manner of small and large posters advertise things as diverse as Amateur Dramatics, Yoga for three year-olds and playgroups for kittens; in fact all the stuff you get in smaller places outside the main cities.

   Upon scanning it as I always do for cheap motorbikes and computers I happened upon a small flyer from a self published author advertising his new book on amazon. 

   Why oh why didn't I think of it before? I've heard it at least a thousand times but never actually got around to it.

  So now I have with The Book of Pain

   It took me almost an hour to work out how to do it in in the ever-helpful M/S Word and tomorrow I'll get it printed and laminated at the local print shop and hang one there, and the rest in the surrounding areas of outer West London. Who knows.

    I tried to transfer it to My Pictures so I could give you a look but either I'm too stupid or it doesn't work so I'll take a photo when it's up.

Friday, 22 May 2015

It's only been six weeks but my love affair is over.

I don't usually become upset with inanimate objects because they're, well, inanimate, and I'd look a bit of a twit shouting obscenities at a piece of plastic. However I'm prepared for all the ridicule because I hate my iphone!! Notice the double exclamation marks.

    Am I the only person in the world who thinks that Apple's offering is the most overblown, overrated, under performing pile of junk ever invented? 

   For the past ten years I've been perfectly happy with my old Motorola flip phone which made a noise when someone wanted me and lasted for over ten days without recharge if I didn't use it too much. That's gone now, wafted off to meet it's maker. And ten years for a piece of hardware is pretty good going.

    But the iPhone. I've only had it for six weeks and bought on the heartfelt recommendations of love from my daughter. From day one I realised that the technical term for it is, or should be: A pile of utter junk. I turned the imessage on for the first time today and within four hours, of not even sending or receiving a single imessage, used up nearly all the battery six hours before finishing work and 6.9 MB of my precious download limit. 

    I see a bonfire coming on, and I'd better eat some beans because I'm going back to a very long piece of string and two cans.

Next day.

   I've bought a Galaxy Ace 4. I absolutely love it and were it not for a really stupid lock screen every time I try to dial someone (which is not removable) it would be the best android I've had since my ill-fated HTC Desire, with which there was an "incident".

Apparently horses love eating phones. I know my daughter's pony does; it's conveniently eaten two of her iPhones, just in time for the next one to hit the shops, but that's probably just a coincidence - not!

Sunday, 17 May 2015

Finally got my new tablet - part two

As recorded several weeks thence I got my new tablet. No more problems, thought I - what a simpleton I am.

   I've been typing for over thirty years. And you'd think after all that time I could do it really quickly. Well I can, but little of it actually makes any sense. So I use the opportunity to spell the words correctly and replace them with others that work. The only problem is: virtual keyboards.

    They're all too slow. Even with my much heralded quad core chip thingy the words still take nearly ten seconds to crawl onto the page after I've stopped typing.

    And who in the name of all who art holy decided to put an emoticon/emojo, thingy on the keyboard? Probably the same person who thought that a DELETE key was no longer necessary. I don't know about the rest of you but most of my editing is done with the delete key rather than the backspace - probably the obscure way my brain works.   
    I even tried one of those keyboards we can swype, but I firmly believe the word suggestion database must have come from a galaxy far, far away because my first sentence was proudly displayed thus: skjdghag asdl'fuhyffod o' dalfjhiofg adlfh. And I scratched my screen up - through a screen protector.

     In fact I tried so many of them my tablet was positively bulging with set up files and junk.

    Then I tried the largest computer shop in England only to find nothing, and no help. No wonder their prices are so low, they can't even afford to employ staff. I swear I could have sauntered out of the front door clutching their new 100 inch LED to my bosom without a soul noticing.

    Undeterred, I went to another shop and there found a small bluetooth keyboard, (minus the delete key!!!!!) for thirteen pounds.

   So finally I can get to work; and as I spend most of my time driving around London - the slowest driving city on the planet - I expect to finish my next book by the time I've managed to get to the end of the road.

Sunday, 10 May 2015

It's only been ten minutes since I finished Kogomato 3 but...

I'm taking a couple of weeks off before beginning the first re-write of Kongo 3, so in the meantime I'm going to do a couple of hundred pages of Old Geezers 3, the finale of my third trilogy.

   My heroes (?) have finally been caught out and have to pay the bill for all the life enhancing drugs they've been receiving from a previously benevolent pharmaceutical company, and now the adventure of their lives is at hand.

   Here's a little snippet.

A rough hand awoke Abe. As usual all his lights were off, and having forgotten to bring his alarm clock it was difficult to tell what time it was.
‘Drag yo skanky ass outa bed.’
As always Chet’s mood worsened with inverse proportion to the hour, so it must be really late, Abe decided. As if to remind him Chet’s calloused hand rocked his shoulder again hard enough to make his head shake.
‘Quit it, I’m up, already.’
Shambling to his feet Abe snatched up his dressing gown lying at the foot of his bed while Chet wandered the small room cursing softly to himself.
‘What is it? Finally Abe was awake, and angry. Back in the retirement home he’d compensated for Chet’s annoying habit of barging into his room at all hours by the fitting of an extremely strong lock. This security was not afforded him here, wherever here really was.
‘We’re goin'.’ Abe steadied himself against the bed as he attempted to decipher what his rambling friend was talking about.
‘What, we’re leaving? They told us that if we wanted to keep getting the drug then we’d have to stay...’
‘No, we’re going up, or out into space, or whatever the hell it’s called.’
‘What, tonight?’ Abe didn't even try to hide his excitement. Like time travel this was something he’d always wanted. His first dream had been achieved several times now and that had not been quite as exciting as he’d imagined. But space?
‘We're goin’ right now. I’ve got Armpits outside. Are you still up for it?’ The slightest tremble of fear in Chet’s voice was enough to reveal his doubts about agreeing to all this.
‘I’m in. Let me get my kit on and I’ll be ready.’ He made to turn away but Chet’s strong hands once more prevented him.
‘Don’t need you normal duds. They’re giving us new ones. Let’s head on out.’ Silenced by the suddenness and immediacy of it all Abe was unable to hide the surprised, but excited grin as he followed Chet outside to the deeply carpeted but dim corridor where the small grimy shape huddled in the corner, trying desperately to sleep, turned out to be Amon. ‘C’mon you old fart. We’re goin’ to the final frontier and all that crap.’

Thursday, 7 May 2015


Progeny of Kongomato is finished.

   Well, when I say finished I've still got a couple of dozen or more re-writes to do. It's a relief because I began with absolutely no idea how it was going to go, but with the certainty that it would be the last one. But now, on the final page I just realised that there might have to be another. I like cliffhangers just like everyone else; you know those silly endings you get at the end of all those B movies we (or is that I) loved so much.

   Of course I could just leave it without the cliffhanger since the book is all finished.

   I'll see how I feel in a few months, and ultimately, sales will decide.