I'm a nerd but I don't care.

In the UK we don't have nerds. We call them Anoraks; usually because they're to be found at the end of draughty railway platforms, jotting down the numbers of train locomotives, while munching on cress sandwiches, or inspecting the undercarriages of airliners as they fly overhead at the cold end of a civilian airport.

  I'm not that bad - but.

  Last night I was watching a US TV programme - no names; copyright and all that nonsense. When I noticed that it was an absolute clone of a plot on star Trek I saw over twenty five years ago. 

  I'm a nerd/anorak!

  What's even worse is that I don't care.

  Is that sad beyond belief?

Conversation with a destroyer of worlds

Now that Kongomato 2 is finished; before I begin all the edits of the three novels I’ve completed, I’ve decided finish Old Geezers 2. I’ve left them to their own devices far too long, so today I’ve dragged one of them out of the bookies. I’ll snare the other two as soon as I can.

    Old Geezer number one is Charles aka Chet, Haughey. Claims he was in the US Army, but then he claims a lot of things, most of which turn out to be completely false.

Were you really in the army, Chet?

Chet   ‘Sure was. Gulf War one, two and three.’

I didn’t know there were three gulf wars.

Chet  Yeah, well there’s a lot of what goes on that you don’t get to hear about. – rubs his nose and winks.

In your first adventure, you destroyed the Earth. How did you feel about that?

Chet  Well it was a bit of a bummer at the time. But anyways we fixed It, so no harm, no foul.

And what about Abe and Amon.? Did they help or hinder you?

Chet Most of the time they’re a pain in the ass. And as for that little****(expletive deleted) Amon, well he’s the one what screwed it up in the first place.

How did that happen?

Chet   He’s such a little runt. Thinks he’s cool and a real pro like me but he’s just an amateur. Weren’t for me they’d both be dead a dozen times.

And what about Abe?

Chet  Well he’s so busy with his goddamn books and his head so far up his own ***( another expletive), he wouldn’t even know the world ended if it wasn’t written in the book he was reading.

Tell us about these pills you take to make you all live longer.

Chet  Well we was playing strip gin outside the care home we all live in with a couple of new female assistants, and this guy offered them to us. We swallow one every month and we’re back to being young again, well at least younger. And they pay us. A real result. Not that I need them you understand. I’m still in my prime. Lookey at them muscles.

Yes, very impressive. What I want to know is if you’d be willing to travel in time again? I mean it must be a bit scary, and there was that incident with the earthquake that destroyed Los Angeles.

Chet  Yeah well, (seems a little defensive) Abe told me all about that causal loop and quantum timeline crap. And he said that it was going to happen, whether we was there or not. Anyway, if I remember and usually do; you can’t change history, or I think that’s what he said. But it all stops me getting bored; and you know what happens when I get bored.

I remember. Whose idea was the gay stripper in the old people’s home? As I recall three people had strokes as a result. Refuses to say but beams with pride.

Anyhow, I need to go back. I still want to get that mad ****** Staines. If I don’t stop him he really will kill the world for good this time. He’s gonna plant a nuclear bomb in Mexico in about twenty years and I gotta stop him before he does. I don’t want him blown up. I wanna trash the little  **** myself.

Chet seems to be getting a little rowdy so I let him go, chasing after one of the replacement female staff members who don’t yet actively hate him.

David and Derrick get in on the act

Having read my last two interviews, David and Derrick ambushed me today and demanded to give their version of “stuff”. They seemed a little upset about Sad-case bigging himself up, as usual.

So, David, Derrick. It’s good to talk you both at last.

David smiles uncertainly. A blond haired youth, easily the best looking of the three, though not as large as Sad-case, but a steady eye that informs me that he’s no push over. And Derrick for all his girth and zitty face, has a winning way. His eyes suggest intelligence as Sad-case grudgingly allowed.

David   Yes, I read what El-Gobbo said about us the other day.

El-Gobbo. Is that another new nickname? I can’t keep up with them all.

David   Yeah I just made it up. He never stops with his mouth.

Derrick   I’ve just thought up another. Do you want to hear it?

Tell me, I suggested.

And it really is a good one but possibly a little graphic for my blog. I’m not sure it’s even physically possible, so definitely illegal.

So what do you both want to say?

They both begin to gabble but finally Derrick nods and allows David to speak for both of them.

 David  We know Sadders is stronger than us both but Derrick’s the real brain (Derrick nods smugly) and I do the stuff that stops us being minced by the grown-ups.

So a working partnership, then? They both smile warmly.

David  I just want to say that if Sad-case hadn’t actually shot that gi-normous monster on our first trip, it wouldn’t have fallen and nearly crushed all to death in the first place.

And, Derrick adds. if he hadn’t painted the school cat silver we wouldn’t be in so much trouble. Or used the school lathe to cut holes in his new Yak skin hoodie and trashed the whole classroom.

Or, David insists  if he hadn’t dropped that burning magnesium strip into the sink full of acid and fireworks, then half of the school wouldn’t have burnt…he stops, a worried frown creasing his otherwise youthful face.

So will you take him on your next adventure if you go into space? They both consider for a moment.

David  Yes, I suppose so. But the next time he annoys an alien monster, or blows something up, or…

Derrick  Or trashes an entire spaceship by making it fly upside down, then shoots  missiles at buildings full of sleeping…’ Pauses again.

I think they both realise they may have said a little more than they should.

Derrick   Yeah we’ll let him tag along, but this time he’d better watch out because I’ve got a couple of surprises for him. David nods knowingly.

And are you looking forward to seeing Yoreth again?

Both nod then blush at her name, funnily enough, just like Sad-case

Derrick   Girls who don’t look like adults, but are, and aren’t - human that is. I mean, it’s hard enough just being a boy without all that stuff to deal with.

David  Yes, we’ll probably save the world again. That’s the easy bit. It’s the girls. They frighten the willies out of me.

Derrick nods in agreement before they tell me that they’ve got a really good trick to play on Sad-case and run off giggling.

A word with Sad-case.

I managed to speak to Sad-case today. He's one of the Three Hoodies who saved the world. The fact that he also almost destroyed it in the process is something he prefers to forget.

So, Sad-case. You and your brother do seem to have some rather, er, strange names.
S/C 'Well that's not my fault. If my mum and dad hadn't run out of the hospital the day I was born and left the nurses to call me BABY 53, I would have had a really cool name. I mean, that almost went on my birth certificate.'

So it was you who decided on your nickname?
S/C  'No it was David. He thinks I'm a bit strange because I like to annoy grown ups and especially teachers. But I mean annoying teachers and girls - isn't that in the school curriculum?'

I don't think so. Does anyone actually know your real name?
S/C  'They all do. But I'm not telling you what it is and they'll only use if it they think I'm dying, or dead. And that happens a lot because they're such a pair of girls. I spend my whole life saving them. I'll tell you. If it wasn't for me, they would have been  eaten, shot, squashed by a monster, sucked into a wormhole, blasted into space and vaporised by a sort-of robot. The list goes on and on, but someone has to do it.'

'So you have to look after them a lot?
 S/C  'Well yeah, sort of. They need me. Derrick is brainy but doesn't remember where he left his socks half the time. And every time he gets afraid he hurls his lunch all over me. One of these days I'm really gonna get him for that.'

And what about David?
S/C  'Well he's brainy as well; and he does Kung Fu so he's quite tough but not as good as me.' Cracks his knuckles which hurts him but pretends that it doesn't. 'Sometimes he thinks too much and someone has to stop him getting barfed on by flying mutoids, squashed inside spaceships, and stuff like that. And as usual it's me who has to save him - again.'

And what about Yoreth? His face colours a little at the mention of her name. He's a big lad and I wouldn't want to annoy him but the moment I bring her up he glows red and becomes a little shy.
S/C  'Yeah, well, she's sort of alright. She was even pretty and quite cool (for a girl) when she was the same age as us. But as soon as we found out how old she really was, and that she wasn't even human. It sort of spoiled it, you know what I mean?'

Yes I can see your point.
S/C   'So, I'll keep on saving them and the world and the universe. And there's bound to be a girlfriend out there for me. But I've got to be picky. I don't want to spread myself too thin, do I?'

No that wouldn't do. And what about your brother? He shudders a little now but slicks back his hair and toughs it out.
S/C  'I really am going to get him one day. He made my dad leave and now my mum doesn't come home so much and I really miss her. Why can't things be the way they were when I was small?'

This was becoming just a little maudlin.
So, are you going to save the world again?
S/C  'Yeah. Probably. If it isn't us then who? I mean you can't leave that kind of things to grown ups. All they ever do is moan and complain and the first sign of a wormhole or prehistoric monster, they all go running for the hills. And where would the universe be, then? But do we ever get any thanks? Oh, no. It's "Sad-case do this, Sad-case do that, and don't annoy your teacher and who drilled the hole in the girls' changing room wall, and who painted the school cat silver?" I mean, it's enough to make me want to live in space all the time.'

   I make a break for it as he begins one finger push-ups  - on his mum's  new Sunday frock.

An interview with Bob-the-Slob

Today I’ve been fortunate, or unfortunate enough to snatch a few words with El Slobbo, which is the less than complimentary name for Bob, aka Bob the slob. He's the big brother of the equally oddly named Sad-case from Three Hoodies Save The world.

   He’s on his way to sign in at the bail office before going to the pub so I had to pay him for his time; although I don’t think it’s that long since he left the pub because his eyes are already glassy and a little bloodshot. His scraped knuckles suggest that I shouldn’t keep him too long.

 

Hullo. I guess you wouldn’t like me to call you any of your other names used by your brother?

Bob.  ‘Mister, if you want to keep your teeth. And no, I wouldn’t. I’m so going to get him for those names one of these days’.

But don’t you think that if you treated your brother a little better, he might not call you all those names. You might even be friends.

Bob.  ‘Friends with him – the slug. I’d rather insert him into a drain cover.’

So you don’t really care for him that much, then.

Bob.  ‘Care for him. I’ll flatten the miserable little worm under a stream roller.’

Don’t you mean steam roller? And isn't that a bit harsh? After all he is you brother.

Bob.  ‘I know what I mean! And he's only my bro by birth.’

 

But he has helped to save the world twice already. And fought aliens, and monsters. Don’t you think that’s quite an achievement for a fourteen year old?

Bob. ‘No I blo*** well don’t. He also made me look like a dork at the same time. He gets all the glory and all I get is a bad rep.’

So you don’t think there’ll be any peace between you any time soon?

Bob.  Never, and I’ll tell you something else…he trails off, his unshaven and amazingly ugly face grimacing, which I take to be a smile as he contemplates new ways of mangling his brother. I change the subject quickly.

Do you think you’re finally going to get him in book three?

Bob.  ‘Yeah. This time he’s really going to get it. I’m going to…‘ breaks off again. Now he’s actually salivating. It’s not a pretty sight, and making a terrible mess on my carpet.

What if this time it’s your turn? What if he gets you.

Bob. Never gonna happen. Got a plan. This time I’m gonna trash him and his two wimpy friends for good. Anyway, I don’t believe all that space cr** I think he’s full of it.’ 

He breaks off a final time before storming out, knocking over my printer on the way and “accidentally” spilling a mug of tea onto my computer. The front door slams and a howl from the cat means she didn’t get out of the way soon enough.

I don’t know which of them are going to triumph in Three Hoodies Save The World 3, but I know who I’m voting for.

Got the dreaded block but over it now.

After finishing The Book Of Pain and Three Hoodies 3 in such a short time, I was a tad peeved that I got the block on Spawn Of Kongomato. I haven't written a word all week. Luckily (in the middle of the night as usual) I found a way out, so the adventure continues. Now I should be able to finish the last 100 pages or so in 7-8 days. This is the cover I've chosen for H3. I've tweaked it a little and unless I get anther brainwave; this is the one.

    I was going to take a couple of weeks off then get back to editing, cos'  love editing, no really; that's when the story really begins to shape up.  But then I thought, what the heck, so I'm going to finish Old geezers:................ Haven't thought of the second part of th title yet. I've been waiting to do this for two years so while I'm on a roll, why not. It's the only one I haven't thought of a cover for yet. I'll leave that until I've finished it. Something will come to me since, although I know how it will end, leading me nicely into book three, I have no idea how I'm going to get to the end.

    I've come up with a fresh and hopefully new way to provoke and solve a paradox. I now that's a contradiction in terms but really, there's no one to prove me wrong since that's the nature of paradoxes, and why they feature so heavily in my Old Geezers novels.

A question a father should never be asked,

   'Dad. Doesn't my bum look great?'

    A gnawing clamp of terror gripped my spine.

   I should point out that over the last few months my daughter has become convinced, or been convinced by persons unknown that she resembles an over inflated barrage balloon. Despite the earnest advice of the British government, I always have and shall continue to tell her that she's pretty. That's not just a loving father speaking - she is very pretty.

   Thus a few weeks ago my spawn joined a gym and worked out; and worked out, until it got to the point where I threatened to nail her hands to the floor if she didn't take a rest every couple of days. Then today the awful inevitably happened.

   'Yes,' I responded, eyes glued to my book, refusing to turn my head. What father can do that? I certainly can't.

   'You're not even looking. Tell me the truth.' For the second time in my life my daughter had thrust me into exquisite embarrassment from which I could not escape.

   'Yes, darling. It's marvellous, terrific, very, er bum-like.'

   Then she hit me with "the look". I often wonder if adolescent females spend hours in front of mirrors, practising "the look", the one only teenage girls can produce, which it so say, scorn and utter loathing rolled into a grimace of pure malevolence. Or the other look when that one doesn't work, a pathetic waif-like pout preceding the plaintive cry: "Daddy...?'

  At that moment my wife saved the day by returning home.

  'Mum; daddy says I'm fat as a pig and he wishes I was...'

   Ah, sanity was returned.